I can't speak The words come out confused I know I said I'd never lie But I'm too scared to tell the truth No, I can't speak In the corner of my bedroom I am terrified And praying for someone that I can talk to openly But I can't think The thoughts they come back cloudy When I try to see what people see in me No, I can't think So when you ask me how I'm doing I guess I want you to know that Something very detrimental has been bothering me But I can't speak So I'll tell you I am fine As if uttered word Can fix what's broken on the inside I am fine That's what I say To avoid intrusive questions About what's inside my brain Yes, I am fine I'll try and speak But I fear this will cause problems And I don't want you to solve them They are mine But I must first learn how to speak In a way that's not depressive But still honest and expressive Between saving-grace and harsh realities I'll try and think Of what it means to live To feel such heartbreak and this homesick And somehow be glad I did I'll try and think Of a future with control Where I am strong inside and out Because in that day I will know That I can speak I'll say I'm fine Without crossing my fingers in my pockets every time I'll say I'm fine

I suffer from chemical imbalances in my brain Suffer being the keyword or phrase Manic depression and bipolar disease Haunt me every hour every day, even when I sleep I dream each night about fingers wrapped tightly around my neck Am I more afraid of life than I am of death? That's a question I've been asking every day since 7th grade And I fear I may not have an answer until I'm alone in my own grave So call me pessimistic for not seeing silver linings in the clouds At least I'm not making them up when none can be found Because that, I feel, is our culture's worst disease Creating fake solutions to ease the oppressed that are praying on our knees Ease the oppressed that are praying on our knees Ease the oppressed that are praying on our knees Ease the oppressed that are praying, saying Please, can no one stop this? Can no one bring my silver lining back? All that I can do is inform people of problems in our path And hope that one day they know just what I mean When I say our mental illnesses can't be cured by another pharmacy Because I dream each night about fingers wrapped tightly around my neck Am I more afraid of life than I am of death? That's a question I've been asking ever since I was 13 And I fear I may not have an answer until eternal rest has got a hold of me Eternal rest has got a hold of me Eternal rest has got a hold of me I fear I may not find an answer so I best forget and give into my dreams

Living under an unstable mind One minute wanting to over-dose, the next one fine Everyone tells me that they understand But I’m the only one with blood on my hands I’ve been looking for cures in the same old places Disappointed looks from the same young faces Everyone is quick to place the blame But no one willing to help get rid of the shame Of living under an unstable mind One minute wanting to over-dose, the next one fine Everyone tells me that they understand But I’m the only one with blood on my hands This is not a game, it’s a life on the line Every manic switch tears apart the insides I’m told to fix myself or to just get out But once I get out I find myself breaking down From all the stress I just can’t let go of And all the memories when I completely screwed up You think I’m getting better but it’s never enough No, every night I can’t sleep and I just want to give up I dare you to tell me that you know what it’s like To keep from hurting your friends you live your life on the inside My room a jail cell complete with a home-made knives Of anger and lust and depression and spite! Now please excuse me, I don’t know what came over me I didn’t mean to yell I’m just so sick of these dreams Every night I see my life at its end And then I wake up to live the same nightmare again But it’s not your fault, it’s all in my head Or at least that’s what the last three doctors have said Please forgive me for what I have done My medication’s run out, no that’s where it’s begun Living under an unstable mind One minute I want to over-dose, the next one I’m fine Everyone tells me that they understand But I'm the only one with blood on my hands I'm a manic depressive bipolar teen Exaggerations in everything that I see Making my life one big fabricated dream No, I’ll never be the person that you want me to be! There’s just too much stress I’ll never let go of No matter how hard I try I always screw it up I’ll admit its gotten better but it'll never be enough Until you stop coming in to everything that I love This is not a game, my whole life’s on the line Every manic switch tears apart my insides Already twice I’ve failed to take my own life But you pretend it never happened, you just close your eyes Until the anger’s gone and I’m all worn out You try to convince me it’s the last time I’ll be breaking down That it’s all over now and I can control it next time But you can’t feel the pain behind my eyes From living under an unstable mind One minute I want to over-dose, the next one I’m fine Don't you dare tell me that you understand Until I can see the blood flowing from your hands

I don’t think I’m good enough and I know I’ve got confidence issues, but somehow I don’t think it’s that. So I always look down and you think there’s got to be a reason, but there’s not and it’s upsetting to me that you can’t accept that. So I do my best to hide my feelings because I know what they say when they see I’m not normal and I just can’t change but I’d be lying if I said there aren’t a few good friends that I’ll love forever because they still love me just the same. But nothing will change. The world is poisoned. The good guys are losing again. So goodbye, my friend I’ve gone from city to city and nothing is different, there’s still cuts on my wrists and this feeling of hopelessness. It’s true what they say, it doesn’t matter where you’re living you must still live your life day to day. There’s no use running away. And nothing has changed, the world's still poisoned and the good guys are losing again. This is goodbye, my friend. I’ve seen it time and time again Another vice takes another friend Tricked into thinking some day they're coming back They’ve been lied to so many times They forget what they’re doing is a crime Some of us are starting to think they have this right So grab your knife if you think it helps Or down the pills you hide on the shelf Anything to block out emotions you wish you never felt You could spend your whole life Searching for a paradise But every path you take will someday let you down Some day that philosophical heart may die And I now how you feel because it happened to mine But that’s not the end, you move on somehow Your spirit takes over when your heart shuts down Just another bodily instinct Your spirit can be one of the toughest things But without will-power you’re an empty shell Depression kicks in and that’s worse than hell So grab your knife if you think it helps Or down the pills you hide on the shelf Anything to block out emotions you wish you never felt You could spend your whole life Searching for a paradise But every path you take will someday let you down So many years spent on the run Wishing you had a loaded gun Because the side-effects of your messed up life Are worse than the scars left from the knife Now the accusations fly With the distressed faces asking “Why?” “It’s the coward’s way out” she says with tears in her eyes Let me be the first coward and give me my knife! Tell my mom I’m coming back It wasn’t her fault and it sure wasn’t dad’s I just needed to find myself and, well, I found him And tell my dad I’m coming home I’ve never said and meant it but I’m sure he knows Somewhere inside, after all the fights, I still love him And I’ll probably never admit this again But will you please tell everyone of my friends who knew They were right And won’t you, for me, please hold them close tonight Remember our view from the freeway overpass? Before I could take that step you pulled me back You said “There is going to be so much more, I know you don’t see it now, but you’re gonna soar. And I can see What’s in front of me And I know that’s not you So tell me what you really want to do.” Who have I become inside? I’m scared of the answer, maybe that’s why I tried Nothing wakes you up more than seeing who you are And last of all I want to tell you Without you here I don’t know what I’d do It was you that showed me I’d gone too far What a wonderful view from the freeway overpass Before I could take that step I’m glad you pulled me back You said “There is going to be so much more” I know I didn’t see it then, but I’m gonna soar No I can’t see What's in front of me All I know Is I want you to come with me

Pacing floors and counting numbers, ignoring everyone Tipping bottles, downing pills, four to go, 3-2-1 Radio on high, must block all thoughts out of my mind But one gets through, no, what to do, no, here we go again It's down, down, down, but please don't make a sound This disease it is a tiger and tonight it's on the prowl But depression in the corner whimpers oh so quietly I'm in its grasp, now I am trapped, can someone out there hear my screaming I am lost and I don't know where to go from here Can someone give a hand to me, or maybe just a listening ear I can't control these raging motions deep inside my mind They're getting worse, now is this it? Never mind, I'm fine See bipolar over there? He's purring like a kitten I'm in control, I'm better now, I am a different person Nonsense about the past, I know before it didn't last But I am older now, I'm wiser and I've learned my lesson Where did it go? That peace of mind, my blessed contemplation How did I lose it all again, I thought I'd learned my lesson Wrists are burning red, what happened to my aching head Will someone take me home before I am alone again? No, I don't know what I'm supposed to say this time Everyone around us can see lately that I'm not fine They raised my medication, but I higher dose is a bigger collapse This life's a rollercoaster, back to front we start again And Pacing floors and counting numbers, ignoring everyone Tipping bottles, downing pills, four to go, 3-2-1 Radio on high, this time I block out all my mind Nothing gets through, but I'm confused Has life no better reason?

I feel like a broken window And outside the rain is falling Down, down, down, in the bottom of the basement In the darkest corner's where I'll be Found and lost repeatedly Like your old and forsaken keys But I remember who I used to be And you'll remember me when I come out I've felt like a tabletop chessboard Just another pawn that you can slay But I'm learning life is not just Another game to help you take home the grade Anger is honesty And, well I'm living honestly I'm drowning in honecies Of passion, love, and hate But now I'm a force to be reckoned with My words are stronger than your fists And my pen is a quiver of arrows Aimed at the target on your Chest beating to a quickened heartbeat You'll remember me when I come out You'll remember me when I come out Of the shackles keeping me from freedom From depression keeping my mind Down, down, down, in the bottom of the basement My light will blind I'm coming out Of the shell that I've lived my life in This is my chance for liberation I remember who I have been But life is changing Life is changing I'm a force to be reckoned with My words are stronger than your fists And my pen is a quiver of arrows Aimed at the target on your Chest beating to a quickened heartbeat You'll remember me when I come out You'll remember me when I come out You'll remember me when I come out

Looking backwards feels sideways, like I'm upside down I took roadways and byways to all the wrong towns Now I walk the same corners, same bag on my shoulder Same calloused feet, but now they're ten years older But somehow I thought I could change this I thought when I looked back this time it'd be different I thought I'd be singing a different song I thought I'd be singing a different song West Valley surrounds me, Salt Lake's to my side But I can't turn and face the old city tonight All the daggers and arrows in my chest From the cupids and heartaches that I'll never forget So I laugh at depression, smile still on my face But inside I've never wanted more to escape From the pain of the good times, the memories we share Are more than my broken mind can bear when you're not there But somehow I thought I could change this I thought when I looked back this time it'd be different I thought I'd be singing a different song I thought I'd be singing a different song Looking forwards feels backwards, though I'm right-side up Because the world keeps spinning, but I seem to be stuck In living the same nightmare day after day While the dreams I am chasing I won't catch until my grave Yet somehow I thought I could change this I thought when I looked back this time it'd be different I thought I'd be singing a different song Somehow I thought I could change this I thought when I looked back this time it'd be different I thought I'd be singing a different song Somehow I thought I could change this I thought when I looked back this time it'd be different I thought I'd be singing a different song I thought I'd be singing a different song