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I tried to hide inside what you told me I should be. I had one foot firm on the ground, but the other in the sea. I tried to convince you I was nothing, but the truth was staring right through me. And I promised that this time things would change, I could stand up, but I know that nothing’s different. I still can’t look or act that tough. And a voice can be deceiving but mine is just as easy to believe. So I swore that this time I could give up. Until that day came I was convinced I’d had enough. I felt sickened by this art of acting tough, so I’m done acting up.

And it’s easy to set aside what’s important, what feels right. It’s easier to pick up habits from these eighteen years of fighting what’s been pressed into a routine, through these modern-day machines. So is it now enough to just proclaim what you want to see? I can tell you now that you can’t just proclaim what you want to be. Now it may be sunny outside, but I’m not sure what I want to see. This weatherman’s threatening to broadcast major tragedies. But I’m just not too sure that I now what it means to step outside and see it pouring dreams, so the rain is a welcomed sight for me.

My thoughts are full of holes about what is, about what can be. My fist is full of ink about the hopes I know we’ll never see. And the litter in the streets that I walk by is always telling me: I put my head too high up in this ever-fading atmosphere looking for a glimpse of the bus that takes me far from here – the life that I do not want to lead. But each step I take brings it closer to me.

And I’m so tired of being who I’m not, always looking up into the face of a lost-cause, where the questions are all I ever see and the answers never come to me. I don’t know where I am but I don’t think I want to find out. I had a destination but its felt great now that I’ve lost it. I don’t know what is right, but I know how to find out if it’s wrong. And I don’t know where ‘Home’ is, but once I do, I know that I just won’t belong.
No, once I do, I know that I’ll never belong.

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from Love and Anxiety (Split with Pravda and the Truth Speakers), released January 1, 2010

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Spobo & the Sing Alongs West Valley City, Utah

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